'The Room' Rulz Hollywood

I'm a little bit backed up on Rulzd posts this week, because I am in full prep mode for this Saturday's midnight screening of 'The Room'.

For those who need a quick refresher course, 'The Room' is the biggest clusterf*ck of a feature film to make it to the big screen this decade, inexplicably fueled with millions of mysterious dollars by the movie industry's (or any industry's) most unlikely candidate, Mr. Tommy Wiseau. A 6 page spread on 'The Room' came out last month in Entertainment Weekly, and shed some light on what's grown to be a rather large cult following in LA.

Summoned by the original 'triumvirate' of the cult following--Michael, David, and Scott--I came for the second screening of this film when it 'premiered' at the Fallbrook Laemmle in the valley in June 2003, and my life has been forever changed. My experiences at the 25+ screenings I've gone to over the past 5 1/2 years are extensive and incredible...best characterized by the rituals and sayings that we have created--and have been perpuated by perfect strangers at subsequent screenings--as well as the novel things that fans continue to bring to the theater to make every screening new and enjoyable. One way of looking at 'The Room' experience is as if everyone in the audience is a comic, and the beats in between spoken lines are a test bed for their sarcastic fodder.

It's been screening on the last Saturday of every month since that opening weekend in June 2003, and every time I went, I was sure it was the last year we would ever hear of 'The Room'. And like clockwork, every screening I've gone to has new faces, gleaming on their way out of the theater, talking miles-a-minute about the very peculiar thing they just sat through.

And still, that billboard pops up on Highland Ave (and Beverly Dr before), and completely confounds any driver going north into the Cahuenga pass, expecting something conventional like a 'Paul Blart' poster.

So here's to you, Mr. Wiseau. May you continue turning the Hollywood model upside-down, may you continue making earnest (but utterly vile) independent films, and long may the plastic spoons fly at whatever screen they're playing on.

A Birthday Rulzng!

It was one of the greatest rulzngs of all time. I was still living in the Bay Area, playing in a couple bands, and close buddy Nick had requested a larger-than-life-sized poster of me (and an adorable Jack Russell Terrier, Rufus) to adorn the living room of his West LA apartment, which he shared with long-time friend Chuck.

Any acquaintance (or otherwise nefarious character) that chanced upon their apartment in that 2 year span was graced with my presence...a stagnant, yet striking image that was virtually the only decoration in the room; just about all one noticed when taking a gander about their living quarters.

Also, Chuck--a true patriot--had decorated the poster with small American flags.

It was during this period of my physical absence--but photographic omnipresence--that Chuck's girlfriend, Ms. Frazier, turned 24--and turned me into a legend.

Her birthday was celebrated at the aforementioned apartment, with a myriad of pictures to commemorate the event--from 3rd-degree acquaintances, no less. The universe had conspired to grant me a rulzng sicker than I could have ever imagined--a rulzng I didn't even have to work for...

It was the great mediator Winston Churchill who once said, "Why stand, when you can sit?"

Well, friends, on this anniversary of said rulzng, a day Ms. Frazier turns one year older, I say to you this: "Why rulz a photo, when a photo of you can rulz a photo?"

Placement: (4/5)
Expression: (5/5)
Discretion: (5/5)
Unfamiliarity: (4/5)
Quality: (3/5)

Months passed, and the poster-size photo had to be taken down from their living room. It was located within the 120" projection area of Chuck's new HD projector...plus, having to look at my chapped lips made New Roommate Greg "very unhappy, mother..."

And so, an era has come and gone...Ms. Frazier is now a quarter of a century old, Chuck is living in a quarter of my single-room apartment next door, Nick is moving a quarter-way across town to WeHo, and Greg still writes seditious blog posts about us.

But our story is written in the cavalcades of time, chronicled by our memories, and beset by our trials and tribulations. And hopefully, when we all look back at the photographs of our young lives, we will be wistful; grasping at each glimpse of happiness and joy we experienced, searching the picture of our youth for something more, something we could have hoped to become. And then my face will be rulzng the fuck out of that picture.

Barack Obama Inaugurated as President; Rulzes Millions

January 20, 2009...Barack Obama has pwned his way into the White House, and has rulzd millions of losers standing in his way. Truly, an historic event.

By the way, you'll have heard the phrase 'an historic event' thrown around a lot this season, and you should be clear when repeating this at social gatherings, or around the office...the article 'an' should only be used in this case if you emphasize the 'stor' in 'historic'...otherwise, you're kinda being a douche. Also 'historic' and 'historical' are not used interchangeably; the former refers to a specific event, the latter may be one in a series. Trust me, one's friends hold them to higher grammatical standards than one might think.

That's why a Mr. Obama's speech was polished and polite...an intrepid, yet confident anthem to foray into the future. Did anyone else notice a pained, almost Bill Clinton-esque quality to his voice? Much like the way Eli speaks (in 'There Will Be Blood') to convey fear and instill a grave sense of pious responsibility in his congregation? Man, how much of a joke was Paul Dano in that film!

Of course, Mr. Obama could not have rocked his way into the White House without the active support of America's young democrats, eager souls who approach politics with fervor and enthusiasm, and I am proud to call many of these dedicated advocates my friends.

But, I'm proudest to say that the most energetic of them--those who attended the Obama inauguration--definitely rulzd everyone else there.

Our first guest rulzng!

It's in! The first guest submission comes from Ashley of UnsavorySnaps.com--the predecessor and inspiration for I Rulzd U. This picture will serve as a benchmark for guest rulzngs to come, and I must say, it sets it high...with top marks in the placement, expression, and quality categories, it certainly beats out any rulzng I've ever done (and subsequently come across).

Placement: (5/5)
Expression: (5/5)
Discretion: n/a
Unfamiliarity: n/a
Quality: (5/5)

This snap is top-notch. Ashley owns the right side of the frame with a captivating presence, achieving a depth-of-field only possible with a nice wide-angle lens (a rulzor must always know her focal lengths). Her fixated stare and quiet smirk suggest something sinister; more elusive and unattainable than the indifferent glance offered in the foreground. A rulzng for the record books.

Rulzng around the office

In a previously unprecedented rulzng (from an inanimate object, no less), it seems the green pawn we 'acquired' from the Alice In Wonderland set here on the lot has been up to a little mischief himself. As evidenced by the following picture that video specialist Ali snapped, the pawn has a mind of his own, and is doggedly intent on rulzng any and all pictures he can move (or diagonally attack his way) into.

Placement: (4/5)
Expression: n/a
Discretion: (3/5)
Unfamiliarity: (2/5)
Quality: (2/5)


His motives aren't clear, but I can only hope that his ambition doesn't exceed his mobility (he can generally only move one space at a time). Plus, he thinks too much: such chess pieces are dangerous. This just shows I'll have to keep an extra eye on him; you should look for him in the upcoming Tim Burton/Johnny Depp vehicle 'Alice' sometime next year, where I'm sure he romps around Wonderland, rulzing all sorts of suckers.

Pwned by a pawn. Totes.

A New Years Eve hat trick!

What better way to usher in 2009 than with a trifecta of rulzingz!

At a NYE party at Mira's apartment in SF, I managed to sneak my way into three consecutive pics of Megahn (known) and Loretta (previously unknown)!

I can't be sure about the order in which they were snapped, but judging by the absence of my party crown (which I'm told I wore all night) in the first two pictures, and by extrapolating the sample of people that appear in the background as an approximation for the volume of people that shuffled into the apartment by midnight, I can safely assume that the first shot I rulzd was this one:



Placement: (3/5)
Expression: (4/5)
Discretion: (4/5)
Familiarity: (3/5)
Quality: (3/5)

That's right...two girls, one shot (real clever, Dan). I had met Trina's roommate, Megahn, before the party...but I'd never met her childhood friend, Loretta, whose boyfriend (Bonafacio) is taking the picture. They're a wonderful couple, and didn't mind that I graced their picture.

I went back to Crock-Potting a delicious spinach-artichoke dip and greeting mutual friends of Mira's and mine, before tastefully enhancing this glamour shot:


Placement: (3/5)
Expression: (4/5)
Discretion: (4/5)
Familiarity: (3/5)
Quality: (2/5)

Sure, I'm a little bit out of focus, but I still hadn't met Loretta at this point, and had found the perfect time to leave my conversation with Mira and friends to go back to the spinach-artichoke dip. No EVOO, either...RR herself would have been proud.

By the time we were ready to leave the party and hop on the Muni to a warehouse dance party in SOMA, Mira and I connected for an rulzing of epic proportions--she blocks and reflects the flash (and most of the left side of the frame), taking just enough luminance off of Megahn's stunning physique to allow me to be the true focus of the picture:


Placement: (4/5)
Expression: (4/5)
Discretion: (4/5)
Familiarity: (2/5)
Quality: (3/5)

Big Ups to Mira for the asst. on that one...she's been dropping dimes like it's going out of style.

(It's not though. Don't worry, Nick.)

All in all, it was a pretty good night of rulzng. We left the dance party some time around 2; I was pretty exhausted from all the dancing and sweating and cigarettes.

But, a rulzor has to always stay at the top of his game...taking his spots where he can get 'em, and making the most of it...no matter what how haggard his physical disposition.

Happy New Year!

The Rulz of Rulzing

To ensure that things stay fresh and interesting, as well as adhere to a set of social mores ("...at least that's an ethos") whilst on rulzng excursions, I'll implement the following criterion for rating how awesome-ly one has been rulzd:

Placement: Perhaps the most important factor when judging a rulzng is assessing the manner in which one pops into frame...Do they barely make it into a corner of the picture, or does their presence completely shift the viewer's attention from the intended subject?

Expression: Closely related to placement is expression. Does the rulzor look taken aback, shocked, or unprepared for their important background work? Or do they unveil a gem of a face, either through disciplined forethought or an off-the-cuff stroke of genius, resulting in the most priceless of snaps?

Discretion: How clever is a rulzor to avoid immediate detection? Is he/she half-groping the very person(s) he/she is trying to hide behind and surprise, or do they appear but for an infinitessimal flash of light (even undetectable on first glance of the photo review), disappearing into thin air before anyone is the wiser. Anecdotal lore will help bolster this argument (i.e., "I saw the pre-flash go off halfway across the bar, Ferris-Buellered over two barstools and a beer pong table, just in time to get my pants off and give the old 'Three Thumbs Up" pose before paying for all of their drinks and hopping into a cab.")

(Un)Familiarity: How well (or loosely, rather) is the rulzor acquainted with their subjects? Has it gotten to the point where, "Oh God, Dan's up to his old tricks again," or have the rulzees never even seen their rulzor before, much less asked him/her to jump into a picture with them? Note: familiarity acquired after the fact does not play a retroactive role, as this relationship may become instrumental in recovering the picture, and/or fostering a sense of fellowship and good fun going forward.

Quality: Last but not least, the production quality of the photograph overall will play a role in its critical review. Did the rulzor manage to find his way into the grainy background of a shot from a camera phone, or is it clear that time and thought went into setting up a shot whose subjects were originally supposed to be glowing, prominent, and vibrant? Publication in broadcast, print, and online media are huge +'s.

Let's consider an example from the Rulzng Archive, circa Summer 2005:

Placement: (4/5)
My head is placed at a near 90 degrees with respect to the subjects, which is no small feat--I assure you. It's almost as if I'm resting my head on pillows of pure joy!

Expression: (3/5)
This is my standard happy/surprised/gay face. It's well-executed, and self-kudos for having my eyes wide open, but Kelly is mimicking it almost perfectly, as if to say, "I can do that too--and make it look sexually inviting, chump."

Discretion: (2/5)
I'm pretty sure they knew I was there. I have distinctively bad breath.

(Un)Familiarity: (2/5)
Cat and Kelly are good friends of mine. We went to punk shows in high school, all had bleached hair, and hung out with the Espina's and McNulty's of the world, maybe at Taxco Trails.

Quality: (3/5)
The picture looks pretty good. Kelly's not wearing a bra, and I think Timmy Smith took the photo...I hope it's evident that he implemented his avant garde auteur at the last second to create a disorienting vortex of swirling heads, as if dangling on some sort of hellish mobile for crack-babies to swat at in futility.


Well, rulzorz and rulzeez, them's the rulz. Start searching through your photo archives to find choice pics of people who you've rulzd, or those with "that guy" who has rulzd you!